Wanna know something funny about Rita Rudner? She can sell the pants off a home — if a home wore pants. The legendary comedienne, who became a household name with her sensational stand-up antics, is taking the lead role in selling her own beach house in Dana Point, Calif. And she’s hoping that she can make somebody laugh all the way to the bank … to shell out $8.975 million to snap up her home.
The YouTube video above is a house tour of Rudner’s gorgeous oceanfront spread hosted by none other than the funny woman herself. “I’m Rita Rudner, and welcome to my beach house. I call it that because this is a beach and this is a house,” she says matter-of-factly in the video as the camera pans across a gleaming white-sand beach. As she strolls through her 5,000-square-foot home, she lands joke after joke. We have to say, it’s funny as heck. The only thing not so humorous? The hole in our pocket where there is definitely not an extra $9 million bucks lying around to buy this beauty.
The home speaks for itself — or at least Rudner speaks for it — so instead, we’ll outline the funniest jabs you can expect Rudner to make about the home’s features in this hilarious video:
On the living room: “This is the living room, where we do roughly 33½ percent of our living. Some nights, my husband and I stare into the fireplace and drink and … argue.”
On the kitchen: “[The kitchen has] something I have always wanted … a warming drawer. You can keep your food warm while you’re cooking other food, but don’t limit yourself to food. You can warm just about anything, including braziers and thick, thick jewelry.”
On the patio: “This patio is so private that Kate Middleton sunbathed naked right here. Nobody took a picture. It is such a private patio that a hummingbird has just given birth in our palm tree.”
On the elevator: “One of the great things about this house is it has an elevator, which is great for groceries — and my mother-in-law.”
On the house in general: “If you buy this house, do you know what you get? You get a free — that’s right, I said free! — tissue.”
Rudner’s five-bedroom, five-bath home is truly a steal, recently given a $1 million price chop, according to the listing. It has retractable glass doors that disappear into the wall, letting the inside and outside flow into each other. The private patio off the master bedroom has an in-ground spa and barbecue. There’s also a home theater, gourmet kitchen and jaw-dropping ocean views. See more of Rudner’s fabulous abode in the gallery below.
Harold Noriega and Danielle Bowen of Sotheby’s International Realty have the listing.