Lazy Stupid Ham Butts

t wasn’t what you would call the most favorable week for old white racist men. Then again, these weeks, not many are. How bad did it get for ancient intolerant caucasian males? Bowling ball dropped on your little toe from a height of nine feet bad. Brazilian soccer stampede bad. Donald Trump testifying at your rent-hearing bad.

Let’s Get Lethaler

  You’d think Americans have enough stuff to worry about. Severe drought desiccating a third of the country. A political system whose major talent is demonstrating stasis in action. The rich using the poor as fleshy paving stones for the road to mansions on the hill. Ben Affleck as Batman. Nate Beeler / Columbus Dispatch…

Patronizing Paychecks

  In a move as surprising as limos at a state funeral the GOP has misplaced their ticket for the clue train. Yes, again. Just when you think they get it, party leaders move heaven and earth and that place due south to prove that not only do they not get it, they have never…

Tina Turner, Mad Max, Al Gore and You

According to a new UN report, there’s good news and bad news about global warming. The good news- it’s worse than we thought. Yeah. That’s the good news. The bad news- you don’t want to know. Because then there’s worse news and ultimately, “holy moley, is that an asteroid the size of a mini-mall crushing my house” news.

Sawbucked to Death

  These days, the only thing harder than making money is hanging onto it. It’s easier to protect dandelion fuzz in a tornado. Everywhere you go, everyone wants a taste. Their only job is to get a grip on your money. And some of these folks are pretty darn good at their jobs. Mike Keefe…

The Frigid Fracas

  After an absence of 25 years, it’s downright ducky to be able to welcome back one of the great socio- politico conflicts in the history of the planet. How about a round of applause folks, because the Cold War is back and it’s colder and warrier than ever. Steve Sack / Minneapolis Star-Tribune Like…

50 Shades of Cool

  It was more amusing than piano- playing kittens to see Barack Obama plug the Affordable Care Act on Zach Galifianakis’ internet comedy show. Not late night. Not basic cable. An internet show: “Between 2 Ferns.” Even funnier was the President trotting out the same expression he normally reserves for Bill O’Reilly interviews. Adam Zyglis…

It’s Not The Hate, It’s The Stupidity

  Alright. Woo-hoo. We’re partying now. With the kind of enthusiasm normally reserved for sorting Phillips head screws from flat head screws, Arizona Governor Jan Brewer publicly vetoed SB 1062, legislation that would provide legal cover to businesses denying services based on the operator’s religious beliefs. The return of Jim Crow with a cactus beat.…

2014 Political Animal Awards

  For all those who have spent the last couple of months shoveling out a car, you should know we’re at the tail end of awards season. And best be advised to hunker in a bunker wearing a Kevlar overcoat, because gold plated statues are being tossed about like air kisses at a gown fitting.…

Green Rush Munchies

  It’s easy to imagine an arena full of Phish fans raising and waving their lighters to honor US Attorney General Eric Holder for suggesting the feds might help states that legalize pot by allowing dispensaries to utilize banking services. Way to go, Super AG. That’s so incredibly righteous of you. Steve Sack / Minneapolis…

Subway: Eat Fresh Plastic

  No matter who you are or where you live or what you drive or whether you thought “The English Patient” or “Anchorman 2″ the funnier movie, it is time to take a stand on plastic bread. Here’s a hint: most of us are against it. Formaldehyde rinsed coffee beans? Not big fans. Flame retardants…

Guillotine Time

  F. Scott Fitzgerald famously wrote that the rich are different from us. To which Hemingway indirectly snorted, “Yes, they have more money.” And now seems like a good time to offer up a few words of sympathy for the rich. Because our wealthy brothers and sisters are going through some tough times. Not financially.…

Streaming Hulu in the Womb

  Delivery drones that crash into telephone poles. Eyeglasses stockpiling video wherever the wearer walks. Dick Tracy wristwatches that do everything but tell time. The deeper into the future we proceed, the more obvious it becomes that this whole progress thing ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. Nate Beeler / Columbus Dispatch Yeah. Sure.…

Governor Juggernaut

  Avast me mateys. Off the starboard bow. Thar she blows. Looks like the Chris Christie juggernaut hit its first iceberg. And harpoons are flying in from multiple quarters. Back on the Jersey Shore, Hillary Clinton’s people and Rand Paul’s people are partying so loud and hard, Snooki and JWoww’s people are banging on doors…

WILL DUR$T’$ 2013 XMA$ GIFT WI$H LI$T

  It’s the most wonderful time of the year. And finally over. Thank the maker. Because if The Little Drummer Boy was played within my immediate vicinity one more time, somebody was going to have a bacon-flavored candy cane crammed into an orifice that doesn’t naturally accommodate candy canes. Bacon or otherwise. Adam Zyglis /…

Deep in the Bowels of Password Hell

  As the new year approaches, many of us in the dimly lit brotherhood of computer clumsoids (and our number is legion) feel the sharp prod of IT experts who blow themselves blue encouraging we Luddites to change passwords once a year like smoke alarm batteries or high school girlfriends or underwear on “Duck Dynasty.”…

Enchant a Goblin Priest

  Think we can all agree these are pretty exciting times. Matter of fact, might be more exciting than we had any inkling. Recent revelations indicate we’ve all become inadvertent assets in governmental spy operations. You may have thought the NSA was everywhere, but you didn’t know the half of it. And no, there shouldn’t…

The Top 10 Comedic News Stories of 2013

Be still, your beating hearts. As we exultantly find ourselves in this festive place once again. The most wonderful time of the year. When squealing children race home from school to check and recheck their favorite news websites. Husbands and wives fight for possession of the living room tablet. Grandparents double up on their meds.…