Thanksgiving 2013

  Ahh. Thanksgiving. Best Holiday Ever! Love it all. The fact that a national holiday falls not on a Monday but a Thursday. How wacky is that? A regular Thursday in dead-solid center fall. Where the weather could be 80 and sunny, or 20 and snowing. Or, in certain parts of the Midwest, both. Steve…

The Foggy Crystal Ball

  The heck is going on here, people? Did someone drop the flag signaling the start of the 2016 presidential election race in secret? Was there a furtive whispered “go now” left on the voice mail of all the major players in the 202 area code? Thirty-six months before the election? Is it possible to…

Zero Hero

  The perfect time to address disappointment is go to never and wait. Most of us would rather speak of inadvertent bowel movements in public. Especially when the person you’re bummed with is a loved one. Whatever it takes not to look them in the eye: going so far as to hold your hands over…

Blown, Burnt and Compromised

  In here. Pssst. Don’t look. Okay. Sit down. Pretend you’re reading the International Herald Tribune. Order a coffee. Make it a decaf. Two Sweet and Lows. Pass them to me. Take this Splenda. Pay no attention to the man with the hearing aid. Give the waiter a five and leave through the kitchen. Don’t…

RINOs and AINOs

Now we bore deep into the bunker that houses the triumphant Tea Party headquarters, where they are celebrating a tactical victory over the forces of complacency and complaining loudly about all the chicken-hearted Republicans In Name Only who bowed to the will of our socialist president, and voted to reopen the government and avoid a…

Fukushima Sushi

Which is harder to believe? The ludicrous shenanigans going down in Washington or the fact that nobody seems particularly interested in doing anything about them? Good neighbors — it looks like we got ourselves one heck of a bumper crop of official dysfunction this year. Near as high as Manute Bol’s eye. You’d think with…

Showdown, Shutdown, Shakedown

Government’s closed, everybody! Go home. Except Congress, that is, whose members are still getting paid, classified as “essential workers.” Although right now, neither one of those words seems very apt or ept. Unapt and inept is more like it. Inapt? Unept? A minority of the majority of one house of Congress continues to hold the…

Senator Ahab is a Sneetch

There no longer lies any shame in obsession. Monomania reigns supreme in this country. Along with twerking. Once a month the local news features sports fans who have turned entire houses into shrines to their favorite team. We all know the conspiracy guy with his bootleg DVDs and liquid limber logic. Every neighborhood has at…

Pied Piper of the Potomac

Got to forgive presidential and congressional staffers for covering their ears and singing “la la la” at the top of their lungs, as everyone pretends not to be knee-deep in the icky, tricky, sticky Syria situation. You might say Washington is in a Semi-Syrious mode right now. And a Semi-Not-So-Syrious mode. Simultaneously. Because this whole…

The Least Laboring of Days

Hey, it’s Labor Day, everybody. Woo-hoo. Okay, we’re partying now. Throw your arms in the air and wave them like you just don’t care. Blow up some balloons. Tap a keg. Rip open a bag of chips. Because this isn’t a champagne and caviar kind of thing. This is the very definition of blue collar.…

Party Purity Pricks Pragmatism

And now, this week’s freshly updated, highly speculative, oddly prescient, extremely long-range, totally indispensable, magically delicious, 2016 Presidential Campaign Alert. Pay no attention to that bilious sensation you are experiencing. It is simply sweet anticipation swelling into full-bloat boogie as the race for the White House floats tantalizingly around the corner. Admittedly, a wide corner.…

Let the Pantsuit Dance

It’s time to address the burning question singeing the lips of every American this summer: What will happen to Bryan Cranston’s pork pie hat after “Breaking Bad” ends its run? Okay, maybe that’s No. 2. The big one is who’s going to be the Democratic presidential candidate in November of 2016? Thirty-eight months and counting.…

The Little Red Hen

Once upon a time, there was a little red hen who lived on a farm past the woods. She was friends with a bossy but politically connected pig, a groveling sheep who worked as a flunky for the village and a scared little mouse who specialized in running away and hiding. Hey. Sometimes your friends…

Totes Cray Cray

Due to recent massive chirpage from a group of wicked haters, now is the time for all good brahs and shorties to rally to the defense of California. It is so exceedingly inconceivable that everyone can’t not see that Cali is so primo prime compared to every other state in the union, that it is…

7 Rows of 7 Stars

That’s it. Over. Finished. Done with Florida. Consider our long-distance love affair officially at an end. This is not just about the recent verdict by six Sunshine Staters sanctioning the death of a young man for possessing Skittles out of season, or for inventing the whole “stand your ground” law in the first place, allowing…

Yellow Roses and Pink Sneakers

Normally when the general public ponders Texas, a whole lot of big sky and rugged individualism and generosity of spirit springs to mind. The thought of progressive politics is probably farther away than Bedouin olive trays are to an armadillo. But that’s exactly what’s going on right now as the country’s most heroic representatives try…